Having some moments this morning of ugly truths. If I am honest, there are times I get worn of loving those who reject the love I offer. Not just that they don’t love me back, but literally have no interest in receiving love from me.
And as I allow myself to wallow there for a minute, I wonder-how in the world does Jesus keep loving us? How does He loves us no matter? We reject Him and His love, sometimes intentionally, sometimes just selfishly. How does He not get worn of our shenanigans? And those questions prompt me to ask myself, how can I be more like that? I mean, can it really be love if we sign up only when it’s easy?
I read a statement in a book this morning that said, Where people are loving like Jesus, there will be blood on the floor. What a visual illustration. Just before that, the author (Ann Voskamp) noted, when you commit to loving someone, you commit to losing some of you–you commit to dying. Dying to self…ugh!!
If I am honest, I can throw some stellar pity parties in my mind when my love is not received OR I am not loved how I believe i need to be loved. And if that’s not bad enough, my flesh then goes to self-protection mode and plotting how to not be in a position to feel this way ever again. I know, it’s super ugly 😕 I think…I will just withdrawal, I won’t reach out to them or even better, how can I love minimally—because that’s what God requires, right?
Guess what–none of this is about loving anyone else. The ugly truth is it’s about loving me. And there it is, more of Marla’s blood needs to be on the floor. I am not here, on this mission trip from my heavenly home, to score love for myself. I have a purpose far bigger than making all Marla’s wishes come true. In fact, chasing my desires, love or anything else, contains zero ounces of dying to self.
This is my desire when i am able to silence my flesh, that I will recognize this ugliness before I dive in and get cozy, My desire is to not think about me. My desire is to always keep my eyes on Him and bring Him glory. My fallible flesh interferes and my heart and mind can be quick to follow.
And so today, I would like to say I “have” learned (but I am quite sure I have not completely) that loving others has regard to me only in an obedience realm which in turn, then refines me and makes me more like Jesus, splashing drops of my blood on the floor…relinquishing any reward or glory for myself.
Heavenly Father, let there be blood on the floor, my blood from slaying self. Teach me to commit to dying to self and teach me to be mindful in everyday, ordinary circumstances to thinking about more of my blood being on the floor. I want my heart to be undivided and wholly yours, I want to bring glory and honor to only You. Amen.
190515
Marla Geiger 