More than likely, every single one of us has been in situations in which we have believed if someone else would change their behavior–our life would be perfect or at least “so much better”. All too often, that “someone” is our spouse, but it may be a child, a coworker, a friend, anyone whose behavior seems to have an impact on our life that falls short of happiness, peace or comfort for us.
This scenario can present itself in countless ways including an abrasive boss, a coworker we deem lazy, a child that challenges us at every turn, a friend who manufactures drama, a spouse whose contribution to marriage seems minimal to name a few. More damaging situations of abuse, addiction, infidelity, etc. could be avenues that land us in this similar mindset of…if only they would change.
The enemy deceives us into thinking we have no power in these situations. Surely the only option we have is to wait for things to get better, to keep hoping and praying for things to line up with our wishes and desires and then all will be fine. But let me share with you some wisdom imparted to me from our Heavenly Father-the truth is, it’s our heart that needs to change. Someone else’s behavior will never do that for us no matter how tailored it is to our desires. It’s a scheme of the enemy to keep us in chaos. We have all the power to break free, we just have to realize it. Our freedom from said situation will come from us being honest with ourselves, from us surrendering our thoughts and behavior in the situation that don’t align with God.
You may think, no way Marla! But I promise you, this is how God healed domestic violence in our marriage. It was never God’s design for us to allow others words and actions hold so much weight in our lives and absolutely never more than the truth of God. These people are flawed humans, just as we are. We are all navigating life amidst wounds, lies of the enemy, trials and flaws the very best we can. When we take something personal, we are making that something so much more about us than it really is. We individually are not the center of everyone’s thoughts and actions as we would like to hope we are. We each act how we do due to our own belief system, due to the baggage we are carrying and how much we allow it to dictate our being, due to whatever trial we are enduring at that moment, due to a million other things that there is zero chance of us seeing on the outside when we interact with others.
We have it all backwards and the enemy hammers it home each and every day. This is not a lie we believe once, it’s a lie that produces a way of functioning. This mindset keeps us focusing on everyone else but ourselves. In fact, if we are offended by anyone, chances are we are thinking way too highly of ourselves. I can’t think of a time in the Bible where Jesus allowed Himself to be offended. Over and over scripture instructs us to show love, forgiveness, compassion, turn the other cheek, forgive seventy times seven…because we get to decide! We get to choose to be offended or show grace…and grace is what sets our hearts and minds free.
Ephesians 4:2-3 says, Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Being offended is the opposite of tolerance. Thinking others are here to treat us how we want to be treated is not humility. Having a division of spirit because someone (an image bearer of Christ) sins (as we have sinned) is not preserving the unity of the Spirit.
Grace is the answer. Grace that realizes our offender gets the same grace that has been lavished upon us. Grace that fosters compassion knowing behind offensive behavior is usually a story of pain that would break our hearts. Grace that realizes the world does not revolve around us and our offenders words and actions have little if anything to do with who we are. Grace that guards our hearts to keep it on the things of Christ, not the behavior of others.
Please know, I am no way saying with grace that boundaries are not established. I am in no way saying there are no consequences for sin even when grace wins. I am absolutely not suggesting we become doormats for abuse and violation–Jesus was never those things. What I am shouting is–we don’t have to be captive to other’s sin. We get to choose how to respond with dignity, grace, and authority in a way that guards our hearts, reminding ourselves of God’s truth. Remembering God’s truth in the midst of these challenging situations in a way that allows it govern all emotions and have the final say. That is where our freedom will be found.
Proverbs 14:8 says, The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception. Deception is defined as the act of causing someone to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid. When we are consumed with someone else’s actions or lack thereof, not only are we deceived into thinking if only they would do this or that or stop doing this or that–my life would be wonderful but we are also not giving thought to our own ways. While a change in behavior may be beneficial for our offender and even us, the real change happens when we can be free from letting others actions hinder our hearts and minds. Being in a place of someone not living up to our expectations may be a way Christ pulls us to Him, an avenue to surrender for our faulty thinking, an opportunity for us to ask God what we can learn or how we can grow from this set of circumstances. Ultimately, it’s a way for us to break free from whatever bondage we have that allows others (just as flawed as we are) any supremacy with regard to our lives.
It’s a moment of liberty when we allow others the same freedom in taking their journey as we have allowed ourselves. We advance in our walk with Christ when we allow trials to be a catalyst for change and growth in our lives. We free ourselves from the deception that anyone’s words or actions have to have power over our lives. Galations 5:1 says, For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
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Marla Geiger 