Our family is dysfunctional. Truly, we all are, right? Our families are made up of flawed people trying to navigate this life the very best we can. The holidays seems to highlight and accentuate dysfunction-not necessarily invited, but showing up like an unexpected guest, nonetheless.
This time of year always prompts me to share some of our Thanksgiving/Christmas truths we have gleaned over the years, and I do mean years. We tend to be slow learners and if I am honest, that has prolonged grasping peace we desperately crave. I have written pieces of this post as we have experienced more recent years of holiday extravaganzas. As we learn, I continue to add and share perspective gained (usually the hard way) in hopes that even one person could peer through some new lenses leading to new found liberty as we have.
A few years ago, for Thanksgiving, Geiger (my husband) and I decided it was time for us to host Thanksgiving. Our thoughts were, we wanted to relieve our moms work and we also wanted to begin our own tradition of having our kids “home for the holidays”. Guess what? Our moms, as you can imagine, were not ready to be relieved of the work. They also loved having their children “home for the holidays”. So, we then decided we would still do a dinner of our own, to start our own tradition…and the moms were still going to do theirs. All was well, or so we thought.
Without going into detail, there was a ton of drama the week before Thanksgiving because of miscommunication and misunderstanding. Although the holiday season can be tense, that year was a whole new level. I remember it feeling like I was nearly watching from the outside…what in the world had happened? Is this what family and the holidays are about? I am sharing this because apparently, this IS what holidays are about for many; and not occasionally but nearly always.
A dear friend suggested to me that the reason for all the stress and tension during this season is…EXPECTATION! Imagine that! If we are honest, isn’t that the truth? We have in our minds the way things are supposed to look or happen and if they don’t, we simply can’t handle it. I was concerned about us making our own tradition. Will the world end if we don’t make our own tradition? Or if our tradition looks different in a few years? Or if our tradition is…we don’t have a tradition? We don’t have to look and do the same as everyone else or even the same each year.
As I began to think about the holidays, I thought–does it matter what walls we are in? Does it matter what the menu is? Does it even matter what day…I mean really? I am wondering if we actually spent more time with those people we see only at Thanksgiving and/or Christmas throughout the year, would some tension be relieved regarding the events of a couple days a year?
One of my beautiful friends posted this morning about adult tantrums she witnessed in Kroger over only organic eggs being left, a shortage of cream cheese, etc. This…this is what it has come to? I have learned the gift of hospitality in Biblical terms has nothing to do with the decor, the menu or the entertainment element. The gift of hospitality is actually the ability to spend quality time with your guests–no matter if your sink is full of dirty dishes that you just used to prepare soup and sandwiches. It’s about valuing people and relationships. This, needless to say, should not be a priority only a few days a year.
The next year, when I began thinking of Thanksgiving and whether to have our own dinner or what to do, I felt pressure rise within me at the thought of drama–and the verse came to my mind from James 4:1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?
Isn’t that the truth? We are selfish and want our own way. We battle perfectionism and the bondage of performance trying to make sure everything is just how WE think it should be. We have bought the lie that someone coming or not coming or being invited or not being invited somehow defines our entire life long relationships–all in one day. It’s just not true. The enemy has the time of his life during the holidays, wreaking havoc and discord, stirring insecurities. We have made days that were set aside to be thankful and celebrate the birth of a Savior all about us. It’s what we do best, it’s our flesh.
One thing we learned in counseling that we say often, very often is–LOVE IS FREEDOM. Not only are we free to choose as we want, but we need to allow others that same freedom without making it personal or getting offended. So with regard to that thinking this is how that plays out at holiday time: anyone can have dinner and we can choose to go or not to go and it has no bearing on our relationship or love for them. We can have dinner and people can choose to come or not come–and it has no bearing on our relationship or love for them or their love for us.
In life, love is freedom plays out a million different ways all day every day. The freedom to let someone be grouchy without taking it personal, the freedom to let our kids make decisions even if we can see it may not be the best one, the freedom to not get offended and make things about us that probably never really were; the freedom to not have to try and control to get an outcome we think needs to happen, the freedom to not have to perform and be perfect to be loved…the list is endless.
I have had on my mind for a few weeks redefining…redefining a lot of things that we haven’t necessarily ever defined; but rather have just done what has always been done. We just have a tendency to get caught up in how everything should “be”. At any moment, we can choose a different path. We can choose to undo the dysfunction and cycle of holiday drama. We can choose to liberate everyone from our list of expectations, including ourselves. We can choose freedom for ourselves even if others may not understand as they can exercise their freedom without our understanding. We can alleviate all the unnecessary pressure of a couple holidays defining our relationships in their entirety. We can choose peace.
I just felt led to share all this to offer some new lenses. I appreciate the new perspective and the freedom in not being bound to the meaningless madness. Please don’t misunderstand, I love Thanksgiving, love Christmas…and I love family and of course we all love good food. What I don’t love is the expectations that often go along with this time of year. What I don’t love is the tension and drama with those we love. What I don’t love is all the very shallow things that often overshadow what’s important…and those things (people) should be important everyday…not just Thanksgiving and Christmas. These are the lessons I have learned…Have a wonderful Thanksgiving–no matter what you do, who you are with or where you are…be grateful, be blessed.
Marla Geiger 