Solitude and Scribe

It’s been an eventful year with unexpected twists and turns leading me to many desires of my heart with regard to my work.  Having resigned from full-time employment, as traditionally defined, cleared my calendar to lend efforts to other work my heart knows is just as, if not more important than what our world defines as a career.  

If you know me at all, you know I openly share about the struggles, wounds and lies I have carried most of my life…and you know how God has set me free, revealed my true identity, given me crazy, sufficient grace and has convinced me I am lavishly loved by the King of Kings. He has and is making me new. It is beyond anything my mind could ever comprehend and better than any plans I could dream…and my heart wants EVERYONE, absolutely everyone to experience this. To know Him, to know His truth, to know His grace, to believe we are loved completely in the way the depths of our souls have always craved changes everything. Having this passion provokes me to say “yes” to anything that would allow me to share Jesus.

All that being said, this year has been training ground for me.  I would like to say it’s my first visit to this site, but it’s not–it just looks a little different each time.  It’s the boundary training ground…ugh!! It started with me over committing myself which I am not proud to say always, always results in me spending less intentional time with God; in prayer, in study, in writing, in reading, all of it.  As I continue to say yes, I lean into exhaustion. I am willing to do “busy” for a season knowing there’s a finale in sight but I refuse to “live” there. My error was made when I did a couple seasons of “busy” back to back convincing myself the second was short term and I would just press through until an extended time off for the holidays.  Hindsight shows me, two back to back terms equaled six months. The ugly truth is…that’s bordering on “living” there, in falsely glorified “busyness”.  

About five months in, I am growing weary.  I am less energetic, a little less peaceful and my soul is anticipating the end of my assignments rather than embracing the opportunities I have been granted.  The next few weeks included illness among myself and family including one of my children developing seizures out of the blue. Our home needed several repairs, one of them significant in cost leaving us bruised by the financial blows given our single income.  One of my life long wounds (that I thought was healed) was split wide open with a verbal assault. Insecurity slithered in and prompted me to question what God has already defined as true and this seemed to spill over into many areas of my life. Our baby (20 years old) moved out on her own and we are officially empty nesters.  It’s bittersweet. It’s beautiful to watch her spread her wings and charge into autonomy however, challenging to know exactly what this will look like to me. Add a sprinkle of the holidays and family stress…and I am in this place I can’t completely describe.

I am on hiatus from responsibilities outside the home for several weeks.  I am about two weeks in and I feel…lost is the best word I can come up with for now.  I can’t seem to make myself write until today when I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t release some thoughts.  I haven’t been studying or reading which are things that fill my cup. I have lost interest for some reason. I have enjoyed every ounce of solitude and have relished every second of complete silence.  I have sorted through every closet, drawer, cabinet, etc. to purge and it’s been freeing. I recently separated all my children’s keepsakes and boxed them up individually for each of them. I have divided up the hand made decorations for the Christmas tree fashioned by their precious hands over the years. (When I typed this last sentence, I unexpectedly gasped for air and fell apart.  I began sobbing, thoughts reeling. I texted my friend that I have uncovered my struggle. I sat for several minutes, unable to type, unable to speak, wiping my tears. I ended up closing the laptop, ceasing this writing at this point until two days later. After this emotional release, I was relieved. I felt lighter, I felt resolve, I felt free of this chaos in my soul. God opened my eyes to what was really happening as I retraced the steps of the past few months.  The matter was unknown to me, no where on my radar. I began writing again two days later) 

And with that last sentence, this is the place I literally came undone. I began crying-even sobbing and I realized I am grieving. I am grieving not having my children in the same home as I am. It has been beautiful and trying and has went way to quickly; and if I am honest it’s been absolutely terrifying at times, this watching them grow and learn and step into independence. It’s been bittersweet assisting in the packing of moving and escorting them to this place called “on their own”. Thanks to a wise friend, I have released any intense helicoptering, I have stepped back and allowed them to make their own decisions and mistakes and so it’s not like I am in that place where I have lost my identity or I don’t know what to do with myself. Being a blended family, Geiger and I have never actually lived alone and we have been looking forward to this time to just do life together. It’s odd, it’s change. It’s the reality of–for almost 24 years I have had my children in my home and it’s just different to not. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just contrasting to what I have known for so long. And with this revelation, a weight has been lifted. I am so relieved to have been enlightened as to this place I have been parked, unconsciously, unaware of “where” I am and what is happening.

I have been focused on other events that I thought I had released but was questioning, why don’t I feel free?  What else do I need to do to step back into rhythm with God? I knew I had been bruised and worn from events described but truly felt I had given them to God…and yet, something was still out of alignment.  So I was still spinning my wheels, trying to resolve things that didn’t need resolving missing what truly was gripping my heart. This could be deception of the enemy, it can be Marla working things out in her own effort or a little of both.  Thank goodness God prompted me to write and He showed me the truth.  

What happened next is amazing–I am free.  Just actually having an answer for this disorientation I have been feeling has given me clarity and release at the same time.  That is not something I can do on my own, that’s God. Ahh…I have been missing this, this peace, this freedom, this lucidity.  I am aware of the emotions I have been experiencing, particularly over the last couple months, I am aware of the negativity that has crept in, complaining that has spilled from my mouth over meaningless things, the discontent place I have been parked, the lack of effort in my ambassadoring for God and the times I have definitely missed the mark of bringing Him glory while walking this valley.  To my husband and friends who have endured my temporary madness, my apologies for my attitude during this time. This season has not been a shining moment for me and I am assuming not for Him in this process…BUT God. He will have the final say. There has been refining for me in this, there has been growth, there has been more self awareness and this post reveals an abundance of transparency.  

To anyone reading this, in case you haven’t gathered-I am an external processor.  I have to talk or write or listen to wisdom or something of the sort to arrive at any smidgen of a resolve.  This may be the first time while actively writing, God has given me insight mid-stream. Thank you for listening to my ramblings.  I am hoping by sharing, God will speak to one, even one who can relate. This is why I believe He led me to share my journey with transparency.  It’s not always pretty, but guaranteed to drip with authenticity.  

Nothing is wasted.  Nothing. Romans 8:28 promises He uses ALL things for our good and for His glory. In the midst of this journey, I knew I had been derailed, I knew I had lost my footing.  What a comfort to know that God knew as well. He knew even more, he could see the whole picture-even this moment of truth that occurred two days ago and He was with me every step of the way even though I had taken my eyes of Him.  He is faithful even when I am not (2 Timothy 2:13)…I don’t know what could be better than that.