Filtered

 

If I stand on the timeline of average life expectancy-I am approaching the mark implying two thirds of my life has lapsed; knowing full well I could be called to my heavenly home at any given moment. The speedometer of time seems to rest on the speed of my age each year..moving faster and faster through this midst of my earthly journey.

Watching our children grow and press into their first season of being an adult has stirred up a lot of  “if I had only known then” kind of thoughts. Not necessarily thoughts of regret, but more like a desire to possess the wisdom I have been allowed to gain through various means in these 54 years since I first dipped my toes into life as we know it.  

Several topics entered my mind as I scanned my ponderings; matters like love, beauty, identity, Jesus and more.  I allowed myself to browse my memories and take note of transitions in thought and truth purchased mostly through mistakes, failure and desperation for something more.   

I suppose first I need to acknowledge, I began this journey with education gained mostly from only my life experience; my perspective gathered from other’s examples or bits and pieces gleaned through watching my parents, observing friend’s families, even television. These things give us a foundation, though often faulty, of what life “is”. These ideas can be as simple as romance, Prince Charming and happily ever after in Disney movies to domestic violence, substance abuse, even infidelity. Let’s be honest, when we are young, the examples of those we see set the acceptable standard, right or wrong–it’s all we know, it’s the only exposure of life we have and young minds are very impressionable.

We generally operate out of perspectives gained; ideology and assumptions we have deemed true, even right or normal. No matter how perfect our parents may have tried to be, that endeavor is impossible. They were flawed, we are all flawed. Each of us is fallible and with or without the best of intentions can not only end up on a path of destruction, but also foster dysfunction and pain in the lives of those we love and even ourselves. None of us would choose this and in fact, often don’t even realize this scenario is taking place until we are able to glance over our shoulder and view the past…and yet, some may never comprehend the devastation that has occurred and even been manufactured by none other than self.

Still there is another option of realizing the dysfunction around us and vowing to absolutely never live in that manner. We may declare we will never get a divorce, we will never struggle financially, our children will never this and that.  We may have grown up in poverty and blazed a trail to financial gain chasing money and material possessions to completely go the opposite direction of all that we know. We may never marry as to avoid any chance of dissolution later. We may never take a drink of alcohol fearing it will lead to an addiction. We tend to go as far away from anything we have deemed havoc in our life, which is generally the opposite extreme. Unfortunately, we often miss the possibility of a healthy place of balance in the middle of those two options.

And so, as I began to examine my years, one of my first thoughts was the unraveling that has occurred.  A few years ago, God persuaded me to embark on a journey of healing with Him that changed my world. This unbecoming of all the false perspectives I had acquired from life, particularly pain.  There was a sorting out of the beliefs I held about God, about myself, about love, marriage, work, worth, parenting, baggage, material possessions and more.  

Filters remove impurities, just like in my picture.  Impurities of lies, wounds, false beliefs, pain and more are being filtered from my beliefs, from my heart and from my mind as God refines me more and more into His image.  What a loving Savior to purchase us not to enslave us but to set us free; to filter us from unwanted notions and habits not only for HIs purpose but to usher us into freedom and life abundantly.

I have been filtered.  I continue to be filtered.  

I suppose the original filter strained out the lie that I was a good person.  The very moment when I acknowledged I am a filthy, wretched sinner the filter caught many elements of self righteousness from my heart and mind.  There is a difference in knowing it…and actually coming undone at the truth of it. Grief invaded my body to the depths of my soul for ever believing I was one ounce “better” than anyone else or that somehow my sins were “less” than others.  It was devastating to actually admit to myself the truth already known by God…and it was also one of the most liberating things I have ever done. This admission of truth has flung the doors of my heart wide open for others, particularly those  tossed aside by society because of their mistakes and sin. I know now…we are all the same. No exceptions.  

The next filter caught all the pieces of me…all the brokenness.  A painful, ugly, uncomfortable shattering to pieces of all I had believed with regard to my identity, of all I had held true contrary to the absolute truth of God. It was quite possibly the most challenging thing I have ever done.  On the other side of this valley of deconstruction was beauty and freedom and life abundantly. God picked up only the shards of who He intended me to be and carefully put me back together with His truth, grace and love…and I became a new creation.  Lies of rejection and unworthiness were filtered from me along with worldly precepts of beauty, success and status.  

As God continued this refining and pruning, he taught me how He defines love.  It’s a choice, not a feeling. It’s not butterflies, prince charmings and happily ever afters.  Love is patient, kind, not self-seeking, keeps no records of wrongs and more attributes that are about what we choose to give–not receive.  False notions of codependency, unhealthy boundaries, and the idol of love were trapped in a filter as my beliefs were transformed. .

Continued refining with regard to love opened my eyes to marriage and the priority it’s often granted in this world.  God’s truth taught me–there is no marriage in heaven. We spend so much time and energy on this earthly union when we have an eternal union as the bride of Christ that we often give minimal effort.  This filter revealed earthly things are fleeting, but eternal things remain.  

My task of parenting has been filtered allowing me to let go of my children and let them fall, make mistakes and suffer knowing that’s where learning, growth and often a dependence on God is fostered.  I have learned too often we prolong and even prevent our children from learning the lessons they need to move forward in God’s purpose and plans for their lives.  

With regard to material possessions and how we are a people of more than enough while our brothers and sisters, fellow image bearers of Christ have no idea how their next meal will be provided or where they will lay their head tonight.  This filter has made me reevaluate my spending and my possessions while teaching me to hold loosely to what God has granted me stewardship over and readily share. 

The filter my work has been sifted through has revealed only things with eternal implications really matter.  God has shown me how my past experiences in pain, the healing He has escorted me through thus far and the passions He placed in my heart intersect and there I find my purpose.  While walking in my purpose, my work doesn’t really feel like work because I absolutely love it. 

Healing has filtered out so much pain I carried for far too long.  My notions of healing have also been filtered. I have believed changed behavior from another party would bring healing.  I believed an apology would bring healing. I have believed removing myself from a relationship or situation would bring healing.  While all of these things may be beneficial given some circumstances…complete healing does not occur given these actions alone and is never dependent on another’s actions. Healing is not feeling better or putting ourselves in a better “place”.  Healing is actually a movement toward wholeness in Christ, letting His grace regenerate what has been injured or lost in us.   

My filtering is not done–not by any means.  It will not be complete until I meet Jesus face to face.  I am thankful, so very thankful God has taken me on this journey.  I lived nearly 50 years for me, doing things my way. I am barely scratching the surface of dying to self and it’s so much better than anything I could have ever dreamed or achieved on my own.  I am excited to be filtered even more!!  

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver, and he will purify the sons of Levi and refine them like gold and silver, and they will bring offerings in righteousness to the LORD. Malachi 3:3 ESV

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