Each of us can instantly think of a time or many times when someone has caused us pain. Being the victim of someone else’s behavior seems to readily come to our minds and we can sometimes even park there; sometimes for far too long.
Are we as apt to consider the times we ourselves have created casualties? The times our behavior has wreaked havoc, created chaos and left an aftermath of injuries? Our sin nature guarantees, even endorses this ugly legacy of sorts. In the flesh, we are selfish in countless ways. We instinctively give far more weight to how we have been injured than to how we ourselves have caused suffering; how we have been the offended instead of being the offender.
As I ponder casualties, I suppose there are endless instances fostering this outcome. Anger tops the list, most likely. Those times when our words and actions have been fueled by feelings unleashed and often projected onto someone else physically or verbally or maybe even in a graceless silent treatment and withholding of love. In those moments, our own desires seem to be all that matters. We will unload our pent up aggression on our spouse, our friends, our coworkers and even our pets and children to seek the satisfaction of release without considering the injuries we are creating.
Marriage is a fertile ground for dying to self. It’s an opportunity to be more like Jesus each and every day, putting someone else before yourself. We can learn so much if we allow God to have His way, but all too often we do not. We stay parked in our stale habits, our old mentality of “take care of me first”. Casualties can be immeasurable over the years, particularly if one and/or the other partner is committed to a constant default of returning to old ways; relaxing in what’s familiar and what’s comfortable, regardless of the suffering prolonged for both parties.
Casualties in marriage may be obvious and more readily noticeable such as a list of infidelities, physical abuse, or even abandonment either emotionally, financially, physically, etc. But there are a plethora of other casualties less obvious. In today’s society, it seems to be common for our women to “lead” in ways for which men were designed. The injury to both parties is established because one is not fulfilling their God given role and the other is exhausted doing a job they were not created to do.
Casualties occur when spouses are less than transparent. Sneaking, lying, and intentionally withholding information from our spouse fosters distrust and lack of security with someone of which we are “one”. It’s an internal destruction of the marriage, intentional or not. The ugly truth is, if we are doing any of these things, we already have the conviction whatever we are hiding is wrong-hence the dishonesty.
Casualties make an appearance when we default to our old selves. If we have given our lives to Christ, we are a new creation. Although we don’t arrive overnight, He is working-always working to deliver us from our old sin nature and usher us into freedom. When we revert back to things we have walked away from, we not only injure ourselves, but we wound those around us. Those who were free from our bad habits bruising them, those who showed us grace and were clinging to the hope we wouldn’t selfishly return to our “vomit” (Proverbs 26:11). There is also an element of security that is shaken in these moments for ourselves even though we may deny it, but definitely for our marriage and families.
We can be the author of casualties in our workplace, in our church homes, among our friends, the possibilities are endless. We have God’s truth to keep us on track. It’s readily available to us every single moment of every single day and so is He Himself.
Maybe the most difficult piece of this casualty scenario is swallowing our pride and false sense of self righteousness and actually submerging ourselves in humility. A humility that acknowledges, there is nothing good in me except Him. A humility that accepts responsibility for the casualties we have created. A humility that confesses, I can not do this alone. Left to ourselves and our own abilities, we will always return to our flesh, our selfishness. We will continue to rack up casualties, injuring those in our paths and none of that is being made more in His image nor does it offer Him even a smidge of glory.
Let’s ask God to seek our hearts. Let’s be brave and ask Him to reveal to us the ways we are creating casualties…and then let’s ask Him to help us not. Ask Him to show us His way, a way that fosters love not hurt, a way that ushers us and those around us to abundant life and freedom, a way that ultimately points toward Him and gives Him all the glory.
There is no one righteous, not even one…
Romans 3:10
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Marla Geiger 