Flatlining

I keep visiting this place, this place of no hours unscheduled, functioning on only fumes of exhaustion, indulging in over commitment, desperately gazing into the future for some anticipated rest.  I have navigated this destination far too many times.  I zoom past the caution signs, I ignore the  dashboard warning lights, I even dismiss my internal alarms.  Somewhere in my life, I have learned to press through, which is not entirely bad, except it seems I reside in cycles of pressing through and I am finally beginning to sense-maybe I am supposed to learn from this frenzy.  

We are all busy, no one can deny that.  Most of us have our planners packed full and if you are like me, you actually have to schedule space, space that allows us to catch our breath on this treadmill of life.  I am not a fan of busy, if I am honest.  I don’t mind full seasons, even those that escort me into exhaustion.  But when I, often unaware, take a wrong turn and am unable to see a smidge of hope that results in the full season’s end–I flatline.  I do.  It’s ugly and I know it, but that doesn’t make it less true.  

Flatlining ushers me into a place of barely existing.  I have unknowingly tossed the joy of living right out the window as if it were nothing more than litter while pressing full speed ahead trying to get to the end of a demanding season.  It all happens innocently enough.  I take on one commitment, add another, and then a couple other “small” ones and before I know it, I am maxed out in the available hours department.  

I am ashamed to say, I repeat this cycle over and over and over…and I don’t seem to learn from my mistakes.  I was talking to a dear friend of mine about my madness.  We discussed how Jesus often would walk away, away from those wanting his attention, away from the endless list of things that “needed” to be done, away from the crowds, away…to a quiet place, where He was able to refill and refuel in solitude with God.  In this discussion, God used my friend to speak to me when she said, “He knew His limits.”  

What??  What are limits?  Why have I never considered this?  It’s like something I have never thought of for myself.  How have I lived enough years to get senior citizen discounts and I have no idea what my limits are when it comes to my calendar?  I mean, obviously, my body, mind and soul know what my limits are but I have never taken one single moment to acknowledge them until I am flatlining, existing, barely surviving, just enduring until I can mark everything off the to-do list.  

Psalm 90:12 says, “Teach us to number our days so that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”  This scripture is encouraging us to learn how to steward our time that we have on this earth and to realize it is limited, acknowledging the finite gift of our lives.  I am not stewarding my time in a responsible way when I am living in exhaustion, surrendering my joy to barely exist and not truly live in the fullness of God.  This is not His design, this is Marla running her own life.  Oh, it’s ugly but it’s true.  

I was reading my Bible this week and stumbled upon Jehoshaphat, which now I see was not a coincidence.  I learned of how he learned from his father’s example of trusting God and having a dependence on Him.  He turned to God and made the right choices when circumstances seemed stacked against him.  Where Jehoshaphat failed was not depending on God for the smaller, day to day orchestrations.  He went about his business without seeking God for guidance in the seemingly smaller life decisions.  We repeat his mistake when we banish God to the background of our lives calling the shots “all by ourselves”.  However, when our choices lead to chaos or disarray, we expect Him to fix what we got ourselves into.  He doesn’t just want to be in the major decisions, He wants to be part of all we do; especially those little things we falsely think we control.  

God’s will for my life is not a crammed schedule. His will for my life is not exhaustion.  His will for my life is not me running my own life.  His will for my life is not barely existing, it’s not autopilot, it’s not living without joy, none of these things are Christlike.  None of this is being made more into His image, more like Him.

His will for my life, for your life–is walking with Him, surrendering to His beautiful and perfect will for our lives and being made more like Him.  His will for us is that we take our light and let it shine, we love our neighbors and our enemies, we cast those nets, we go and make disciples, drop our rocks, sit at His feet, pray without ceasing, seek His Kingdom first and so much more.  His will for our life is that we learn to number our days and we gain that wisdom to truly treasure what’s ultimately important as we release the ways of the world and foster Kingdom right here with the precious time we have while we are here. 

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