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By the time I arrive home most evenings, I am too tired to study, write or anything of that nature and those are the replenishers of my soul.  Instead, I find myself in a habit of coming home, grabbing a bite to eat and parking in front of the television or squandering time scrolling through my phone mostly to be in the same vicinity as Geiger (my husband).  These activities are how Geiger recharges, these activities do little, if anything, to fill me.  

Geiger and I spend quite a bit of time together from church to errands to invites here and there;  usually, when you see one of us, you see the other. In this season of transition, I am trying to find that balance of us still having time together and fulfilling these assignments I have been given.  Unbeknownst to me, because I was too tired to seek those activities that recharge me and focusing on spending time with Geiger, I defaulted back to old mindsets and habits. Romans 7:15 says, I  do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate I do.

I begin looking to Geiger to be my source of fulfillment, choosing him over being diligent in seeking God. (Matt. 6:33).  In that moment, I was not even aware codependency was creeping in my heart. This is what that looks like for me…I want to be around Geiger, so I wait to see what he is doing before I decide what I am doing with my free time.  I watch whatever he is watching on tv just to be with him instead of being diligent in doing something that relaxes or restores me. His mood, good or bad, influences mine instead of me intentionally choosing where to park my mind.  I get aggravated and annoyed with him easily, expressed or not, because I have unconsciously put him on the throne of my heart, looking to him for things only Jesus can give me. Geiger makes a horrible Savior, we all do. He is flawed, we all are.  

Eventually, I think–what is going on with you, Marla?  I notice that my first response is to be self-sufficient and work things out in my own power instead of praying and trusting God.   Why are you drained, Marla? I acknowledge I have not been diligent in the things that restore me, those disciplines that help me keep the truth of God penetrating my mind and heart.  Why are your eyes on Geiger and circumstances, Marla? I see that the enemy has used even a good thing, my husband, to distract and derail me. He enticed me (when weary) to look to Geiger for rest, recharging and fulfillment and to make him a priority over my time with God.  Where is your joy, Marla? I relinquished my own responsibility to choose to park in joy and gave that job to Geiger–which is not his to do.  

I lived in this place for years…years in codependency, looking to others to govern my existence; to lead me, to love me, to fill me.  In a hot second of the right circumstances, I dipped my toes in that ugly place again, it can be a default (1 Peter 1:14) for me when I am not intentional…but God!! God showed me what I was doing.  He showed me my eyes had lost focus on Him (2 Cor. 4:18). My eyes had shifted to Geiger and let’s just be honest, some self absorption– looking at Geiger to be my all in all because I was too busy and too tired. 

This positions us both for disappointment. Geiger is not a jump through hoops kind of guy so if I am honest, I can see this kind of pressure makes him withdrawal. He knows he is not my Savior. It’s too much pressure. And so the very thing I was seeking–more time with him, more connection with him, more of him completing me (because I lost focus and which is not biblical by the way) was sabotaged because the motives of my heart were distorted.  My intention to spend time with him was honorable, but sacrificing my time with God was not. I was not seeking Christ first. Psalm 54:4 says, Surely God is my help, the Lord is the one who sustains me.  

Even though this is ugly, I am thankful for conviction and correction.  For years I lived in this place unaware of my actions and mindset, unaware of the chaos I was authoring.  We can all too often make our spouses and our marriage idols, it’s ugly but it’s true. We get caught up in this fairytale teaching we soaked in since before we could write our name.  Much of our thoughts on love and marriage we have learned from the world, tradition and even well meaning people don’t necessarily align with God’s word…and then we wonder why we have troubles.

Our earthly marriages will not carry over into heaven (Matt. 22:30)…but us being the bride of Christ will.  Our relationship with Jesus must have first priority!

Lord, let that be the place I dwell.  Let my focus be on You as I prepare to be Your bride.  Stir in me a hunger and thirst for righteousness that no matter how tired I am, I want to seek You.  In the Mighty, Matchless Name of Jesus–Amen!!

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